You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
by me.no.know
Summary: Same story, just wanted to change the title since there is already a Red Eye fic with the same title. Please rate. Everything is not what it seems on the Red Eye flight. Rated T for mild language and suggesstive themes.


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Disclaimer:

**I do not own Red Eye or any of the characters from the movie.**

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18F HAS BOMB _Great_ thought Lisa. _Now all I have to do is get back to my seat and-AAUGH!_

Before Lisa could verbalize her mental scream, Jackson covered her mouth and shoved her back into the lavatory, closing the door behind him.

"What the hell?!" exclaimed Rebecca.

"Is something wrong, sweetie?"

Rebecca spun around. It was younger of the two flight attendants-the other one being the older redhead- named Carly that had been checking up on her _every fricken five minutes_ since the beginning of the flight.

"Yeah. A man and a lady are in the bathroom, and I think they're about to get freaky."

"Dammit!" shrieked Lisa as Jackson slammed her into the wall opposite the door.

"That's right, Leese." said Jackson smirking. "I caught you red-handed trying to-"

"No no, not that. I think I lost my ring."

"Ring? What ring?"

"The one my grandmother left me in her will!" said Lisa frantically as she began to scan the floor. "I have to find it!"

"What, now?"

"No. It can wait until hell freezes over-YES, NOW! C'mon help me look for it."

"Leese," sighed an exasperated Rippner, running a hand through his hair. "Time is running out. You need to make the call.

Lisa folded her arms over her chest. "Then you'd better start looking, because I'm not calling anyone until that ring is back on my finger."

Wide-eyed with surprise, Jackson stared at her. He was shocked by the sudden turn of the tables. He really needed her to make the call ASAP, but it seemed like little Ms Reisert was serious. She wasn't going anywhere until she found that ring.

"Alright, fine."

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"What's going on? Why are you two just standing here?"

Both Rebecca and the stewardess turned to see the other stewardess, Vlada, headed toward them, back from making her rounds.

"Rebecca says there's a man and a lady in the lavatory doing You-Know-What."

"Well," said the redhead squeezing her way between the other two and putting her ear to the door. "There's only one way to find out."

"I don't see it Leese. Are you sure it's in here?" Jackson was starting to get even more impatient (if that were at all possible) as well as desperate.

"I'm sure. I had it when I walked in-wait, can you check in there?" asked Lisa pointing to the toilet.

"Don't see what? Check where?" wondered Carly aloud.

Both Rebecca and Vlada turned toward her with their pointers to their lips and shushed her. "Listen" whispered Rebecca putting her ear back against the door. The voices on the other side were getting louder. Apparently, the couple was arguing about something.

"I am not going to put my hand in _there_." said the man. "Who knows what's been in there!"

"Will you just shut up and do it?"

"Why don't you do it yourself?!"

"Where's the fun in that?"

Carly's jaw dropped. "Does she want him to-"

"SHH!"

"No, Lisa." said the man. "I am not doing it."

"Put it this way, Jackson, if I don't get what I want then you don't get what you want."

After a moment of silence the man, Jackson, sighed. "Okay. I'll do it." The lady, Lisa, giggled.

"Oh great!" a disgruntled man said causing the three in front of the door to jump. "First, I get stuck at that stupid airport for half a day, where I got told off by some lady and Mr. Pretty Boy, and now I gotta deal with another stupid line-"

"Oh, excuse us, we're not in line." said Vlada. "I apologize for the inconvenience, Mr…?"

"Phil. Harold Phil. And if you don't mind I'd like to be addressed as doctor."

"Well then, my apologies _Doctor_ Phil."

"Did someone say Dr. Phil?" asked an old woman excitedly joining the group.

"No ma'am, perhaps you've misunderstood me. His name i-"

"Excuse me," interrupted an older blond woman named Sheila. "You wouldn't happened to have seen my hunky stud- muffin come around here, would you? I thought I saw him walk back here."

"If you mean the guy about this tall, with blue eyes and brown hair, he's-"

"Hey Vlada, would ya mind getting me a drink?"

"Joshua!! What are you doing back here?!" Vlada yelled. "Shouldn't you be up front, you know, FLYING US TO MIAMI?!"

The pilot swatted his hand as if trying to shoo away her comment. "Aw, Richard can handle himself up there for a little while. But right now I need a shot of somethin' strong because I've got a killer migraine."

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"This is disgusting." Jackson grumbled groping around the inside of the toilet bowl.

Lisa peered over his shoulder. "Do you feel it yet?"

Jackson winced. He could feel _everything but_ the ring in there. "No. Not yet."

"Try getting deeper in there-Oh, wait! I found it!"

Jackson looked up. "What? Where?"

"In my pocket! I forgot that I took it off before I washed my hands."

"LISAAAAAAAA!"

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"Okay, does everyone understand?" asked Vlada after A: convincing the pilot to get back to his job without getting wasted B: convincing the old woman that the real Dr. Phil was not, in fact, on this flight and C: Explaining to everyone that Sheila's "hunky stud-muffin" was in the cabin's lavatory with another woman.

"I can't believe he'd do something like that! He seemed like such a gentleman!" exclaimed a shocked-yet still melodramatic-Sheila.

"I can't believe _she'd _do something like that!" said the nice old lady. "No wonder her father showers her with self help books!"

"Dr. Phil" looked completely appalled. "That's disgusting! Who gets it on in an airplane lavatory?!"

"There are people getting it on in the airplane lavatory?" asked a boy that was doodling with a Frankenstein pen-named Alan-who happened to overhear part of their conversation.

"Sweet!" the boy next to him, Jacob, unbuckled his seat belt. "I wanna listen!" The two boys walked over to the door and joined the others in eavesdropping on the pair inside.

"Ow!" said Lisa. "It won't go in the holes too small!"

"Let me put it in."

"AUGH! Dammit, Jackson! You can't just shove it in like that!"

"I was just trying to help."

"Couldn't you try being a little more gentle? That hurts like hell."

"Here, let's try this then."

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"Here, let's try this then." said Jackson running water over the ring then rubbing it with soap.

Lisa massaged her ring finger. It was turning red in the area where the ring had kept stopping when Jackson had repeatedly tried to shove the little metal circle on to her finger. _If only grandma's fingers weren't so darn small..._

"There." said Jackson sliding the ring on to her finger. "It fits now."

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"They're actually doing it!" Allen snickered.

"This is way better than the in-flight movie." whispered Jacob, not wanting to speak too loud, in case he missed something good.

After a few minutes silence, Jackson spoke again. "There. It fits now."

"Great." said Lisa sarcastically. "Now I'm all wet!"

"Lisa just-just shut up already! At least I got it in! And of course its going to be wet, that's the way its going to be if you do it the way we did it."

"Okay, anyway, can you get out now? You're starting to make uncomfortable."

"And if I refuse?"

"GET OUT!"

The six people in front of the door could hear shuffling and banging noises coming from the other side of the door, then before any of them had time to react, the lock clicked back to vacant and the door opened. Vlada, Carly, Rebecca, Allen, Jacob, the old lady, Doctor Phil, and Sheila stared at the pair. They stared back. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Jackson spoke.

"Sorry. We didn't mean to take that long."

The group all responded at once with "Its oks" and "No problems." Jackson and Lisa went back to their seats and they all breathed sighs of relief, they didn't get caught eaves-dropping. After a few minutes of quietly gossiping about the two that had supposedly joined the Mile-High Club, they also took their seats.

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"Alright Leese, back to business." said Jackson once they had gotten back to their seats and had settled in. "You know the deal, right?"

"Yeah. You want me to make a call to have Keefe's room switched to a better vantage point where your guys can take him out."

Jackson looked at Lisa as if she had just told him that every Tuesday she ran around the mall naked screaming "Freedom! Sweet freedom!" "What? No! Why would I want you to do something like that?! That's horrible!"

Now it was Lisa's turn to give Jackson a funny look. "B-but what about all that stuff about changing Keefe's room-"

"Leese, I said that I needed you to call your hotel to switch Keefe's room I never said anything about doing the guy in, sheesh!"

"Then why do you need me to switch his room so badly?"

"Keefe's birthday is tomorrow. His family wanted to throw him a surprise party so they called me about three months ago to set everything up. It wasn't easy, his family wanted to keep the whole thing on the down low so the press wouldn't be all over it-which is why I tried to stop you from communicating with the old lady and stewardesses-but I managed to pull it off. Then, at the last minute I found out that there was some miscommunication and the Keefes were going to be put in the wrong room, and that's where you come in."

"Hold on a second, Keefe's birthday? So that means you're-"

"I'm a party planner."

Now Lisa was really confused. "What about all that stuff about government overthrows, flashy high profile killings, and threatening to kill my dad?!"

Jackson rolled his eyes. "That was just a joke, I thought you knew that!"

"So you weren't actually stalking me for eight weeks?"

"Ah...no. I wasn't kidding about that part."

"What'd ya mean you weren't kidding about that part?! If you didn't need me to help you assassinate anyone, then why were you following me around?"

"'Cause you're pur-dee." said Jackson smiling bashfully.

Lisa slapped her forehead.


End file.
